today if i could rip out my heart and ovaries, perhaps then i could stop being so emotastic and lead a productive life.

i never write anymore.
i have another website, occasionally i update there.

a few saturday nights ago, i was totally let down by my frenchman. in my sheer-enough-to-see-my-ass-but-demure-enough-to not be called a ho, rick owens dress and miu miu heels.

fuck him. and fuck her. at least i looked hot as fuck.

then i danced the night away in a lounge on the otherside of town that i never go to and by chance my ex was there. in between beats and laughter and smile, i realize he's one of the good ones.

too bad i realized much too late.

life is good, but i always want better.
i'm insatiable perhaps.

my 47yr old uncle passed away recently. i don't want to talk about it. and no words you say will do anything so, just don't.

i went to the bahamas with my family. that was lovely.

now here i am tonight, what a whirlwind of a night. first the 10x10 event in the arts district, then rushing off to vita with my other frenchies, many glasses of the finest pino and indulgent champs, and dancing my worries away while singing at the top of my lungs. then picking up david at purdy and eating frenchy fries on ocean dr and getting into intense convos.

since breaking up with david, i've been asked to be a girlfriend 4 times, in 2 months... ummm. tied me up, but you can't tie me down.

such is life. and what a beautiful life it is. (only because i got my coveted chloe bag recently... thank you materialistic drive.)

the best christmas gift would be upon my arrival back to miami, those little 3 words.
i love you.

i've been bedridden for the past 3 days with a fever and the flu. boohiss.

but may the holidays be filled with lots of love and tons of happiness.
Merry Christmas, loves.

it's been a while since i've last written something.

i didn't go to jamaica. but neither did he. silly him didn't realize that his passport was expired.
i spent the majority of the weekend in his arms and with an oversized smile.

today, i woke up sick. i have an immense amount of cleaning and packing to do before i leave on wednesday. so later tonight, he is dropping with chicken soup from a beloved restaurant. he's never been into my apartment and now instead of wallowing in bed all day, I am now scuttling about trying to salvage my sanity and my mess of an living space.

he's my boyfriend.
it's a bit strange to say it outloud... after almost close to a year of not having a boyfriend.

we've been dating for 4 months. but during the week of art basel is when we both knew it was time. so i've traded in the neon club lights for nice track lighting in galleries.

it's funny how men can share their lives with me. their living spaces, their families and friends, their jobs, themselves... and yet I hold back greatly.

so much for the E+ in Sharing in Kindergarden.

"when one door closes, another door opens..."

i will be modeling in this show tomorrow.


i'm in love with the concept and am fully supportive of this fashion movement. however, i am scared out of my mind to be onstage in a bra and boyshorts. mind you i haven't done a runway show in a few years...

I met with Mary Jo Diehl and Roman Miliseck at the Hotel Intercontinental in Downtown Miami to do the final casting. They loved me, I loved them, and hours later while I was at dinner, I was asked to open the show.


so I will be umbrella girl... ontop of the style battle.

come and show your support.

i fucked him over for 3 events by backing out after our first fight.
so he replaced me in 30 minutes. i changed my mind. he continued to want to argue. i just wanted to look fabulous in my new $200 dress that i'd bought just for this stupid 1957 prom theme event, genart, and star island/suite event. then i told him it was over.


i was emotastic the next day. and pretty much over him. but he's not over me. "I DON'T WAIT FOR ANYONE, but I miss you." fuck you. i'm notoriously late. but with good reason. get off your goddamn ego.

i spent the first sunday in a long time without him. i've been battling myself, my feelings, and chemistry. is it shallow that i love who he is, what he does, how he treats me, but i'm not attracted to him? if i close my eyes tightly, and he kisses me deeply - it's nice. but the sight of him at times makes me queasy and not in the butterfly kind of way.

so i spent sunday with amy - stuffing our pretty little faces @ cheesecake factory and watching sex and the city.

and hating men of course. but secretly yearning for a boyfriend.

*sigh* i'm having dinner with him on thursday. i really don't care what he has to say.

i pushed. then shoved. then kicked.
you stayed.

and then i realized i just didn't want you around.
sometimes the heart just isn't ready.

i'll also be attending an event in the design district at the new gallery opening.
errrrrrr. awkward. new boy & old boy are boyzzzzzzz and it's like the 3rd time showing up at the same place with the new one with the old one making faces.

it is indeed a small world after all.

he asked me to go to jamaica with him - dec. 13 to 17th.
i have no passport. i will have to go back to dallas during thanksgiving and get an expedited passport, which i pray will come in time.

for a trip that is 2 months down the road...
with an older man that i am not sure about...
but makes me insanely giddy and happy...
and treats me better than any man has.

my older brother says it's much too soon. amy insists on me going. and i just can't stop squealing.

last night we were watching a bird documentary, he paused it - guided me to the balcony while we watched an exquisite fireworks display over the beach. we then toasted my favorite pino grigio to our 4th amazing sunday together. later as i worked on store reports and layouts, and he painted while we both enjoyed a j and coltrane. another glimpse at what life would be, and i love it.

i woke up, in his arms as the most beautiful girl in the world - safe, snuggled, and still just me. no expectations, no pressure, no nothing. i'm rapunzel with my huge tower of walls - not dropping my hair, nor my heart.

so do i run off to jamaica?

***EDIT:***
ENTRY/EXIT REQUIREMENTS: U.S. citizens traveling by air to and from Jamaica must present a valid passport when entering or re-entering the United States. Sea travelers must have a valid U.S. passport (or other original proof of U.S. citizenship, such as a certified U.S. birth certificate with a government-issued photo ID). Persons traveling with U.S. passports tend to encounter fewer difficulties upon departure than those who choose to use other documents.

Anyone traveled this way? is it pretty difficult?
i read way too fast and didn't realize BY SEA... i'm going by air. ugh. passport it is.

i push everyone away... just to see who stays.
and that's when i give my heart away.

i'm pushing and pushing, but you just won't budge.
when push comes to shove -
we'll see if you still mean love.